you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
