The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
