We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
