A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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