i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
