We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
