party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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