i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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