i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
