cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
