I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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