Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
