Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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