yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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