all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize