I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
