i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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