sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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