make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
