Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
