I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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