I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
