I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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