I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
