My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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