i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Randomize
