I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
