the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
