I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Your dad touched me again.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
