wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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