Can i not drive my cunt home
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
