i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she looked like the before picture.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
