So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
