Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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