he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
