I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
