The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
