Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
