everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
