That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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