I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
