so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
