IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
