Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Found your dick twin last night
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
