not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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