My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
