My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
