Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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