Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I have fence marks all over my body
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
