is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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