She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
