I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
