dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
