That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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