My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize