I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
