the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
