i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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