sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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