Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
