his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
